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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620357">we're foolish</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Original Work</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Attempted Rape/Non-Con, I'm Bad At Summaries, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Molestation, Original work - Freeform, Vent Work, Vomiting, im fine now, just wanting to feel that 'thing' again, my first original work - Freeform, non-fiction, real story, underage molestation</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-09-23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 06:14:45</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con, Underage</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,710</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26620357</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>It was so strong, and sometimes I miss it. It's sick, I know, but I want to be held like that again, and I wonder often what would be different now if I had let him go through with it all.</p><p>Ah, but not right now.</p><p>I'm in class.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>we're foolish</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>alrighttt- ok so ik its been a while since anything has been posted from me, and i think i may take a break from my BNHA fan fiction, but not for too much longer!! </p><p>i wrote this piece a while back, and polished it up a bit. yes, this is a real story, in other words, i was almost r*ped. this is a vent work, so please be cautious of the tw warning, ill put them at the end of this authors note as well. </p><p>also, i must put this here, im alright now. ive done things to help myself overcome this chapter in my life, though its not always easy. if you have gone through something similar, please go to the police, or your parents first or someone you trust, because this is a very serious matter. </p><p>tw warning;<br/>-referenced self harm<br/>-attempted rape<br/>-underage molestation<br/>-vomiting (only once in the beginning)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <hr/><p> </p><p>I had a week. A week to perfect this skill, and yet I ignored it, prolonged it and told myself 'I'll do it tomorrow.'</p><p> </p><p>I'm sure you can guess where that landed me.</p><p> </p><p>Day after day, I pushed it off. I ignored the work, the card, the words, the pictures. It was all meaningless to me because all I saw was him. All I felt were his hands and his mouth. All I heard was his breathing and petty words, trying to persuade me into giving in. All I smelled was his horrid breath. Alcohol and unbrushed teeth.</p><p> </p><p>Then I was back in class, an unfilled test below me. Pencil in hand, I swallowed the tears that threatened to fall and shakily wrote out my answers.</p><p> </p><p>I didn't know what I was doing. Each of the words felt wrong and I felt awkward. My back turned to everyone else as they moved ahead. I was left in the dust kicked up from their shoes.</p><p> </p><p>I was the first one done. I wrote a quick 'I'm sorry' on the bottom of the page, thinking that would do something. Embarrassed and ashamed, I handed the paper in, my teacher eyeing it wearily. Every step I took my legs burned cold, like the frostbite was coming back.</p><p> </p><p>It was the very early hours of the morning and I was walking down the road, cars whizzing by as I wrapped my coat tightly around myself. I miss it sometimes. Often I sit alone in my room, crying and heaving over a bin as I vomit and wish I could feel that euphoria again. I thought I was getting away. I felt free. Alone in the middle of the night on the road. It was surreal, something straight out of a coming of age movie. I could hear Current Joys and MGMT playing in the background as I twirled and spun, letting my hair get moved with the nipping and chilly wind. I sang and skipped and scrolled through social media with the last of my phone's battery. Pictures were taken, silly selfies with bugs and plants. Pictures of the cars, lights blurred as they were captured. These pictures wouldn't be seen by anyone but me, and I was content with that. I didn't want to share this with anyone else. Sure, I felt okay. Alright. Fine. And I thought nothing could take this feeling from me. Then those pictures meant nothing, the phone crushed by his tire as he drove off. </p><p> </p><p>The seat was hard against my ass. I was back at the table, sitting next to my friend who hadn't finished their test. Brief eye contact was made before I looked down, opening my laptop.</p><p> </p><p>Right, we had another assignment.</p><p> </p><p>His gaze was strong. It was like his. My teacher glanced up at me as tears brimmed my eyes, my head still down. I was filled with shame. He had so much faith in me. I was one of his favorite students. I failed him.</p><p> </p><p>The couch was soft. I was still shaking, whether that be from fear or the cold, I didn't know, still don't know. The scent was putrid. Skunk and dirt, I wanted to vomit. He left, gone to get a glass of water. He came back just as fast as he had left. He sat next to me. He put an arm around me. He rubbed my thigh.</p><p> </p><p>The new assignment was open, and all I could think about was how bad my grade was going to be. I held back the sniffles, nose runny and eyes dry as long needed tears flowed freely in the middle of class, but no one noticed. My head was down, staring at the worn down keyboard.</p><p>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p>I was staring at my lap. His side was pressed up against me. I felt small, weak, frail. But I was strong. I knew how to fight. I didn't though. I stayed there and hoped this wouldn't go anywhere else, but that was foolish. Then he asked to finish the movie in his bedroom. When did he put a movie on? I don't remember.</p><p> </p><p>He asked me to wait after class, my teacher looking at me with concerned eyes, and I panicked. Everyone filtered out of the room one by one. My friends gave me knowing looks, mouthing the words 'what did you do this time?' I couldn't tell them. I would never tell them. They don't need to know anything.</p><p> </p><p>The bed was cold against my side. My back was warm from his front. I was still trembling. He told me 'it's okay. You're safe now, no need to still be afraid'. I felt my stomach churn and coil at his breath against my neck, the small, dry and wet kisses he placed there. Chapped lips and drool. He ruined it for me. He ruined love.</p><p> </p><p>The seat was hard against my ass. I was at another table, my teacher in front of me. I eyed the other kids, different class, different grade. They didn't know me, but they watched me. </p><p> </p><p>'What's up?'</p><p> </p><p>'Nothing, just tired.'</p><p> </p><p>'You're bright, kid. That wasn't like you.'</p><p> </p><p>'Sorry, I promise nothing is happening.'</p><p> </p><p>'Come to me if you ever need anything.'</p><p> </p><p>'I will, don't worry.'</p><p> </p><p>'Don't tell the other's I said this, but most of them have short-term memory loss, so don't worry about them remembering me calling on you.'</p><p> </p><p>He was foolish. </p><p> </p><p>I laughed. I said goodbye. I left the room. I went to the bathroom.</p><p> </p><p>I was in his bathroom changing. He told me to wear them, so I complied. I didn't want to be hurt, so I obeyed. They were only sweatpants. Grey sweatpants. Probably Champion, Nike, or Underarmor. Maybe Gildan's, I don't remember. They were big and baggy, far too big to stay up without me holding them. I walked out and he grabbed me again, throwing me on the bed as he spooned me. It feels wrong to say. It feels wrong to feel.</p><p> </p><p>I slid down the bathroom wall locking myself in a stall. It was lunch, so I wasn't too worried about someone coming in. I wasn’t that hungry anymore, either. Biting my lip as hard as I could, I started to cry, fingernails digging into my arms. How could I be so mindless? How could I be so stupid? So stupid, stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid-</p><p> </p><p>'You could be my girlfriend.'</p><p> </p><p>The movie was finished. Hands fondled my breasts as I laid still, shaking. Why didn't I move? My eyes were shut. Maybe if I pretended to be asleep, he would leave me alone. No, it didn't work. Chapped lips and a wet tongue were pressed against my mouth.</p><p> </p><p>'C'mon pretty baby, I know you're awake.'</p><p> </p><p>He tasted awful. Like weed and rum and dust. I pushed him off.</p><p> </p><p>I pushed the door open, tears subsided and breathing returned back to normal. I studied my face in the mirror. Smeared eyeliner and disheveled hair. Nothing new. Cold water splashed against my face, makeup wiped away, a clean slate left in its place.</p><p> </p><p>I kicked him against the wall, using the bed as support. He cursed and backed off as I raised my fists, telling him 'I'll scream and fight back.' They don't like when you do that. They go after easy targets. Vulnerable little girls who just want out. We're malleable, foolish, naive.</p><p> </p><p>I made a fool of myself. Grabbing my bag, I walked past the preppy 'popular' girl, ignoring her snickers. Naive assholes don't need to pay attention to a girl with her walls down. I wouldn't be surprised if she fell for the same shit I did. She's no better than I am. No less foolish. </p><p> </p><p>'Hey, are you alright?'</p><p> </p><p>It was one of the kids, sitting up against the lockers working on something. Different class, different grade.</p><p> </p><p>'Oh, yeah. Thanks for the worry though. Love your shirt, by the way.'</p><p> </p><p>'Ah thank you! You too!'</p><p> </p><p>We're foolish.</p><p> </p><p>He saw my cuts and bandages, but didn't mention them. He was foolish. He drove me back home, surprisingly.</p><p> </p><p>I walked outside to my friends, watching the dry leaves tumble. The cold air nipped at my skin, but it wasn't the same. No dark sky. No rushing cars. No sense of freedom.</p><p> </p><p>'What did he want?'</p><p> </p><p>'Oh, nothing. Just talking about grades and stuff.'</p><p> </p><p>'Cool. Anyways-'</p><p> </p><p>He offered me two hundred cash to suck him off in his car. It was tempting. I could use that cash later, stash it and save up for-</p><p> </p><p>'No.'</p><p> </p><p>'Are you sure? Not even for 5-'</p><p> </p><p>'No.'</p><p> </p><p>I stumbled out of his car, the cold air smacking me like a brick wall as I listened to him speed off. Not the same. I was scared this time. I didn't feel free. I was trapped, despite being back home, where I was safe. I was stuck. I was foolish.</p><p> </p><p>He hadn’t even penetrated me. All he did was touch me, kiss me. I shouldn’t feel sad or guilty or gross. Others had it words. Others were hurt more. Others were raped. I was just molested. My experience didn’t matter. I was insignificant. My pain was meaningless.</p><p> </p><p>I wasn’t hurt. I was guilty, however. </p><p> </p><p>All the built up knowledge and common sense just thrown out the window. It was tossed to the side, forgotten like a bag of rubbish. </p><p> </p><p>My fault. My fault. My fault.</p><p> </p><p>I was violated and I had no one to blame but myself. I was witless and silly and foolish. So fucking foolish.</p><p> </p><p>To think I could actually get away. To think that vile and foul man could give me what my heart yearned for. </p><p> </p><p>I was naive.</p><p> </p><p>I was weak.</p><p> </p><p>I was foolish. </p><p> </p><p>Though, a part of me wants to go back all those months ago. I want to be held that way again. I want to feel loved. My heart yearns for that cold and harsh warmth. I’m no masochist, but that pain is drawing me in, and I find it harder to resist now. </p><p> </p><p>But, I’m smarter than that now. He didn’t love me, I didn’t love him. I was a toy. </p><p> </p><p>Don’t fall for their tricks like I did. It will only end in madness and regretful people.</p><p> </p><hr/><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you for reading this!! it's a very sensitive topic for me to talk about, though writing about it made it a bit easier, though not completely. </p><p>please refrain from sharing your experiences in the comments, and if you do, they will be deleted :)</p><p>please refrain from sending me your experiences through my socials as well. i am not a therapist and do not want to have a panic attack. thank you :)</p><p>also, i must note, if you know me irl, because ik some of my schoolmates have found my profile, please do not under any circumstances approach me about this in person or over our socials. thank you. </p><p>as always, have a wonderful day my lovelies!! (´｡• ω •｡`) ♡	</p><p>contact me here!!<br/>insta- @x.samsie.x<br/>email- mw.samsie@gmail.com</p></blockquote></div></div>
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